Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
