I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
