I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
