I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
