Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
