I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
