have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I think your dad took our porno
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
