i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
