I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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