i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
