Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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