I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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