I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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