Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
