it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
