I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
