we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize