I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
