God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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