I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
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