you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
foreskin is a definite game changer
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
