UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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