i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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