dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Randomize
