remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Randomize
