happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
is that a dick in a sweater?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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