I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
A+ Viking dick
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
