I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize