I just threw up on my dentist
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
