Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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