Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
My bed smells like the plague
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
