Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
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