your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
