I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
