i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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