They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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