Her vagina should come with caution tape.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
