Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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