I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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