If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize