this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
