You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
