I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
