Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
