I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
We have started to decorate penises.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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