And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Randomize
