he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
