you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
