Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm too high and old for this...
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
