I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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