Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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