North Korea, Best Korea!
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize