I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
