Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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