she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
You brought string cheese to the strip club
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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