I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
